Tuesday, April 1, 2014

From a wine writer's mailbox

1) Dear W.:

Are you ready for National Pina Colada Day? Our brand ambassador has assembled a variety of recipes of the legendary classic cocktail, all of them containing 2 oz or more of our rum. Please be sure to include them in your coverage of the inaugural year of this important event.

2) Dear W.:

We have just released 2013 Strychnine Road Chardonnay! Winemaker Rod Harden calls 2013 "the greatest year I've ever dreamed of," leading to a wine that bursts from its pants with explosions of peach, wildflowers and hand-harvested Manuka honey. Images available on request.

3) Dear W.:

Smegma Winery is thrilled to announce that we received 91 points from Wine Authority magazine for 2012 Toxic Shock Cabernet Sauvignon!! Wine Authority critic Leonard Giardia says the wine "fills the glass with liquid at a more reasonable price than others in the same category." Images available on request.



4) Dear W.:

Hotel Jumpsuit, the newest playground for the rich and beautiful in South Beach, has announced a new wine-pairing menu! Among the top pairings are Cowabunga Zinfandel with Grape Jelly-dabbed pork rib fritters, and The Executioner red blend with our signature Beefsteak on a bed of Beefsteak. Please forward a link to your coverage of this story.

5) Dear W.:

I'm just circling back around to see if you got my email about the new release of 2013 Strychnine Road Chardonnay. Can I set up an interview for you with winemaker Rod Harden?

6) Dear W.:

Wine Silliness magazine announces our popular Restaurant Wine Lists of the Year feature in our upcoming edition! Once again we have sifted through wine lists throughout the nation to pick out the lists that have the most wines on them. Copies of the magazine will be available wherever magazines are sold.

7) Dear W.:

Are you ready for Aunt-in-Law's Day? We've got several gift suggestions from our vast portfolio of brands, including White Day White, an elegant yet approachable blend of several white varieties, and Red Wedding Red, a hearty yet approachable blend of several red varieties.

8) Dear W.:

Because wine is too complicated for our team of Yale and MIT engineering graduates to understand, we developed the app Wine Ignorant! Wine Ignorant analyzes your cellphone pictures of wines and recommends other wines you might like that are made from similar grapes and/or imported from similar countries. The app has a learning feature that quickly ramps up, so that if you drink dark red wines two nights in a row, it will recommend other wines with similar dark red features.

If you would like further information, our PR agency can send you a press release with the previous paragraph in larger type with a nice font.

9) Dear W.:

Did you get my email about Strychine Road Chardonnay??!! Because I sent it twice, and you haven't responded, and I'm just checking in to make sure you haven't been incarcerated or hospitalized.

10) Dear W.:

Chateau Beaubridges is pleased to announce that we have booth #147 at the Bangladesh Wine Trade Show. If you plan to be in Bangladesh, please stop by and we will be delighted to give you a brochure.

11) Dear W.:

Hello? Hello? I just tried calling you about our new release of Strychnine Road Chardonnay, and now I'm really worried. I've called 911 and they are sending a crew to axe down your door. You still live at 1428 Elm Street, right? Do you mind if I come in with them?

12) Dear W.:

Pro wrestler Lemmy "The Labia" Lebowski has long been a wine lover, and now he's finally releasing a lineup of wines to spread his passion among the drinking public. Named after his signature "Labia Lock" wrestling hold, Labia Lock Cabernet Sauvignon is a hearty, full-bodied red with juicy fruit flavors, and Labia Lock Chardonnay is a zesty, full-bodied white with the perfect touch of oak and vanilla. Lemmy will be coming to your town on Apr. 31 and will be available to come to your desk and tell you how the wine tastes. May we make an appointment?

13) Dear W.:

With National Pina Colada Day almost behind us, are you ready for International Petit Verdot Day? And Intergalactic Moscow Mule Day? And don't forget, God Himself Drinks Pink Moscato Day is right around the corner! Images available on request.

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1 comment:

Robert Cartwright said...

Gold. You can't write this stuff.