Sunday, April 1, 2012

E. & J. Gallo buys The Gray Report

W. Blake Gray gives thanks to God after selling The Gray Report for $1.65 million (Canadian)
After a short but bitter bidding war, The Gray Report has been sold to E. & J. Gallo Winery for an unexpected $1.65 million (Canadian dollars).

Gallo spokesman Bunk Moreland said that the site will look much the same as before, but the quality and consistency will be higher.

Gallo spokesman Bunk Moreland
"The Gray Report is one of the classic blogs of California but has not achieved its potential in recent vintages," Moreland said in so many words. "We plan to give the site the technology and know-how it needs to succeed, as we do with all of our acquisitions."

The sale happened quickly, when Constellation Brands made an opening offer to Gray of $15, with a spokesman saying off the record, "It'll be worth it for the spectacles alone."

Once the site was rumored to be on the market, other bidders emerged. Constellation immediately doubled its offer but was forced to withdraw when it learned it was unable to secure that much financing.

Gallo was involved in the bidding almost from the beginning, and by 7 p.m. Sunday it appeared ready to capture the site for just $1011.36. But Jean-Charles Boisset jumped in and quickly bid the price up over $1 million within 15 minutes while his wife was bathing her twin daughers. "The Gray Report has excellent terroir," Boisset said. "But Gina said, 'You idiot, what are you doing?' and I realized my mistake. Still, building an empire takes patience, and Gallo might tire of this asset one day. And like always, I'll be waiting outside with a flower in my lapel."

A secret bidder believed to be William Foley drove up the price Gallo paid. Foley made no comment and was last seen reading the source code of Vinography and 1 Wine Dude. "My site's valuable too," said Steve Heimoff. "Really valuable."

Moreland said Gray would keep his official titles of writer and editor of the Gray Report while more talented people would be brought in to "support" him. "That's our style of acquisition," Moreland said, taking a puff on a stogie. He would not comment on whether production would be increased, but said, "Of course we plan to leverage our widespread distribution channels. We expect people to read The Gray Report in every liquor store in America, especially the ones I frequented in my previous job."

Wall Street analyst Russell "Stringer" Bell praised the deal, saying, "It was getting hard for Gray to hold them towers. Now he's going to have the product he needs."

Follow me on Twitter: @wblakegray and like The Gray Report on Facebook.

6 comments:

Eric B said...

Nice pants.
Did your mom buy you those pants?
Really great pants.

Casey said...

EVERYONE gets their picture taken there!

Anonymous said...

Imagine the impact on the Fedora industry if pigs could fly.

sean strugnell said...

Thanks a lot. I miss "the Wire". Best cop show EVER.

W. Blake Gray said...

Sean: I often wonder whether it's good for Baltimore tourism. Sure, the city they show is all crime and corruption -- but the local foods shown are legit. Watching Jimmy and Bunk polish off a dozen crabs made me salivate.

Kurt Burris said...

I'm torn whether I like the food or the music better in Treme as well.