Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Wine shop owner catches Tequila thief with bag of meat

By day, Frank Pagliaro is a mild-mannered wine store owner. But then he goes into the back room, possibly sliding down some sort of pole, and emerges as Batman, Delaware edition.

Gotham City's Batman takes on the Joker and Bane and barely survives. Wilmington's Batman takes on the AssClown and The AssClown's Cousin Julio, and not only does he triumph, he posts video on Youtube.

Last week, one of the denizens of Wilmington's underworld attempted to shoplift a $75 bottle of Tequila, specifically Don Julio 70 AƱejo Claro Tequila, from Franks Wine. But with the surveillance equipment in the FrankCave, Frank was able to get a clear look at the culprit and his neck tattoo.

"Love how these guys mark themselves for easier ID," Frank told me by email. "Criminals -- not the smartest bunch." I like to imagine him saying it with Christian Bale's throat infection.


TACJ, a Phillies fan? Holy Hamels! Frank believes the shirt was stolen
Like Bruce Wayne, Frank is in tip-top condition; he runs marathons. Running from Frank's justice is a marathon, not a sprint.

A few days later, Frank was out in the Frankmobile and "I diverted to pick up take-out about 4 blocks away and I saw a shady looking dude," he said. "As I drove by him I noticed a tattoo on his neck and knew it was him immediately."

Frank called 911 and said, hey, I've just spotted a known Tequila thief. Amazingly, the police didn't hang up on him as they would in San Francisco. (Chief O'Hara: "Is it the AssClown at last? Why that confounded ... we're on our way, FrankMan.") Then he adjusted his invisible cape and cowl and followed the guy into the Acme supermarket.

The suspect pulled a backpack out of his pants and started stuffing steaks in it. Fortunately, Frank had the sort of high-tech portable surveillance equipment that Adam West's Batman would have sold a night with Robin for -- a cellphone with a camera. Frank alerted the store security guard, who took down The AssClown's Cousin Julio, who proclaimed his innocence even though he had a bag of meat.

video

Frank says the police booked the suspect on charges of shoplifting at both Acme and Franks Wine, as well as other outstanding charges. Wilmington is a safer place for decent, law-abiding citizens. Aunt Harriet can safely serve $75 Tequila with afternoon tea. ("No salt on the rim, Alfred, and do bring out the nice snifters.")

Once again, please imagine Frank's conclusion in Christian Bale's laryngitic voice: "He's in jail that AssClown. Karma -- it'll bite you in the ass."

And then he just disappeared into the night.

Follow me on Twitter: @wblakegray and like The Gray Report on Facebook.

8 comments:

FranksWine.com said...

AIEEE!
AIIEEE!
ARRGH!
AWK!
AWKKKKKK!
BAM!
BANG!
BANG-ETH!
BIFF!
BLOOP!
BLURP!
BOFF!
BONK!
CLANK!
CLANK-EST!
CLASH!
CLUNK!
CLUNK-ETH!
CRRAACK!
CRASH!
CRRAACK!
CRUNCH!
CRUNCH-ETH!
EEE-YOW!
FLRBBBBB!
GLIPP!
GLURPP!
KAPOW!
KAYO!
KER-SPLOOSH!
KERPLOP!
KLONK!
KLUNK!
KRUNCH!
OOOFF!
OOOOFF!
OUCH!
OUCH-ETH!
OWWW!
OW-ETH
PAM!
PLOP!
POW!
POWIE!
QUNCKKK!
RAKKK!
RIP!
SLOSH!
SOCK!
SPLATS!
SPLATT!
SPLOOSH!
SWAAP!
SWISH!
SWOOSH!
THUNK!
THWACK!
THWACKE!
THWAPE!
THWAPP!
UGGH!
URKKK!
VRONK!
WHACK!
WHACK-ETH!
WHAM-ETH!
WHAMM!
WHAMMM!
WHAP!
Z-ZWAP!
ZAM!
ZAMM!
ZAMMM!
ZAP!
ZAP-ETH
ZGRUPPP!
ZLONK!
ZLOPP!
ZLOTT!
ZOK!
ZOWIE!
ZWAPP!
ZZWAP!
ZZZZWAP!
ZZZZZWAP!

Don Ropp said...

Love it! Good going Frank... Ahem... FrankMan.

Goma SF said...

Cool!
We need FrankMan here in SF, too.

Joe Roberts said...

But can he dance the batusi???

thewanderinggourmand.com said...

I had to laugh because there is a brewery named Ass Clown here in Charlotte. Maybe Frank can help market their beers?

FranksWine.com said...

Goma SF… FrankMan is in the wine biz, so I'm often in San Fran. I usually extend my stay for a few days to brush up on the Batusi with Joe Roberts. TheWanderingGourmand my sister lives in Charlotte… I've gotta get her to grab some Ass Clown Brown Ale for me! CHEERS….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaQcSqty17g

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

[too many typos, so I re-posted ...]


Yay for Frank! And yay for Blake's most excellent summation of the caper :)

Yes -- the tats are the human equivalent of those chips they implant in cat's bellies for later i.d.

BTB: Here in Tally, we've had a problem with our Heisman trophy winner helping himself to lobster and crayfish at Publix supermarket and neglecting to pay for it. Perhaps with such direct action as Frank exhibited, Publix could avert future imitations.

BTB II (as you're a FLA boy):

The one meat thievery from a Publix which I cannot shake involved an elderly African American woman who tied a Smithfield's 15 lb. ham to her belt, and walked out of the store with it dangling under her long skirt.

It was Thanksgiving. I do not know if the witnessing stock boy turned her in.