Gotham City's Batman takes on the Joker and Bane and barely survives. Wilmington's Batman takes on the AssClown and The AssClown's Cousin Julio, and not only does he triumph, he posts video on Youtube.
Last week, one of the denizens of Wilmington's underworld attempted to shoplift a $75 bottle of Tequila, specifically Don Julio 70 Añejo Claro Tequila, from Franks Wine. But with the surveillance equipment in the FrankCave, Frank was able to get a clear look at the culprit and his neck tattoo.
"Love how these guys mark themselves for easier ID," Frank told me by email. "Criminals -- not the smartest bunch." I like to imagine him saying it with Christian Bale's throat infection.
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A few days later, Frank was out in the Frankmobile and "I diverted to pick up take-out about 4 blocks away and I saw a shady looking dude," he said. "As I drove by him I noticed a tattoo on his neck and knew it was him immediately."
Frank called 911 and said, hey, I've just spotted a known Tequila thief. Amazingly, the police didn't hang up on him as they would in San Francisco. (Chief O'Hara: "Is it the AssClown at last? Why that confounded ... we're on our way, FrankMan.") Then he adjusted his invisible cape and cowl and followed the guy into the Acme supermarket.
The suspect pulled a backpack out of his pants and started stuffing steaks in it. Fortunately, Frank had the sort of high-tech portable surveillance equipment that Adam West's Batman would have sold a night with Robin for -- a cellphone with a camera. Frank alerted the store security guard, who took down The AssClown's Cousin Julio, who proclaimed his innocence even though he had a bag of meat.
Frank says the police booked the suspect on charges of shoplifting at both Acme and Franks Wine, as well as other outstanding charges. Wilmington is a safer place for decent, law-abiding citizens. Aunt Harriet can safely serve $75 Tequila with afternoon tea. ("No salt on the rim, Alfred, and do bring out the nice snifters.")
Once again, please imagine Frank's conclusion in Christian Bale's laryngitic voice: "He's in jail that AssClown. Karma -- it'll bite you in the ass."
And then he just disappeared into the night.