Hostess' bankruptcy put this terrifying thought in my head last week. I was trying to explain baby boomers' lamentations about the disappearance of Twinkies to my wife, who didn't grow up here. Bad baked goods made with totally artificial ingredients: what's the appeal?
I explained that in "Zombieland,"* Woody Harrelson wanted a Twinkie because it represented the society that was gone, and because they're filled with so many preservatives that they would last forever. Unless the survivors could find bread in a can in an unlooted country store, Twinkies would be their only taste of anything made from amber waves of grain.
Then my wife asked the question about the eyeglasses. It's a poser.
Life after the zombie apocalypse wouldn't go so well for me if I broke my glasses.
|Bread for a post-zombie world|
Then, there's the opportunity cost. I might not see unspent ammo, lighters with butane in them, unopened bottles of 1961 Chateau Latour* -- all sorts of useful stuff.
* One reason to hope for a zombie apocalypse: Looting the wine cellars of the newly undead is the only way I'll ever drink Bordeaux first growths again.
But how to replace a broken pair of spectacles?
Even if I could go into a zombie-infested city to find an optician, they wouldn't have eyeglasses in my prescription sitting around. They might -- might -- have test lenses I could see through. But how would I get those lenses in frames? I'd have to try to build frames for them, perhaps with wire hangers. But how securely would those hold the lenses if I had to make a break through a zombie horde, simultaneously pivoting and swinging an axe?
What I'd have to do is take a replacement pair off of a zombie. That would mean bashing in the heads of an awful lot of bespectacled zombies and trying on a lot of crud-infested glasses. I suppose I would be used to the smell of rot by then, but still, that's putting it pretty close to the olfactory glands.
And then I realized -- after somebody dies, do they still wear eyeglasses?
|Were none of them nearsighted when they were alive?|
Some people mourn Hostess going out of business for the Ding Dongs. I mourn because I now know my life after the zombie apocalypse will be mostly out of focus.
* Zombie movie wine pairings, including a Thanksgiving wine tip for the living.