NEW "ASSWIPE" CABERNET SAUVIGNON JOINS THE RANKS OF THE WORLD'S FINEST LUXURY WINES
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL - A brand new vintage Cabernet Sauvignon joins the ranks of the world's finest wines. Just launched in limited release at the end of 2014, Asswipe has already garnered rave reviews, including a Number 1 rating for Cabs in 2014 from (Non-wine product) & (another non-wine product) magazine.
Asswipe is distributed by Grilledcheese International in Ft Lauderdale, Florida. It's a rich and luxurious 2012 Cabernet Sauvignon from Mt. Veeder, a dry vineyard with an elevation of 1,900 feet in Napa Valley, California. Along with its Mt. Veeder pedigree, Asswipe has an equally impressive price tag. It retails for $469 a bottle and there were only 3,000 bottles produced for this first limited release.
"Asswipe is a spectacular wine that absolutely lives up to its cost," said Senator McCarthy of Asswipe Wines, "and there are several reasons for this. First, 2012 was a monumental vintage. The drought and stress on the berries produced a lower production of tiny and very intense grapes. Additionally, the elevation and dry-farming techniques produce even more concentrated flavors. Finally, our berries are always handpicked and scrutinized for perfection. The result is a luxurious wine any collector would be proud to have."
According to (I can't use a fake name here because you might think this person is someone I've heard of, but it isn't), the highly credentialed New York wine writer, restaurant wine consultant and certified sommelier, the 2012 Asswipe Cabernet Sauvignon lives up to its hype.
"It is the 'wine of the kings' descended from the dry vineyard at 1,900 feet on Mt. Veeder," said (the unknown writer). "It brings forth the true attributes of its namesake: divine angels to some and tempters to others, yet seductive and alluring to all. It has an intense ruby red color with youthful shades and bright highlights plus aromas of intense purple lilac, followed by scents of ripe, juicy fruit. It fills the mouth with fleshy plums and berried fruits, evolving to sweet licorice, caramel candy and cinnamon with hints of smoky flavors, coffee and a flint minerality that extends its long, charming finish."
The same exquisite care that went into creating Asswipe the wine is reflected in its stellar label design. In (religion withheld), the asswipes are angels to the gods. The label depicts a voluptuous masked female warrior in form-fitting black strapless dress and black boots, wielding a mighty sickle and hovering in mid air by massive outstretched wings.
Asswipe is available at (name and address of a wine shop). For more information, visit www.asswipe.com.*
(*Editor's note: The real website in the press release doesn't work. But the press release is no joke: the wine exists, and it's already marked down -- to just $465!)