Wednesday, February 4, 2015

How to create a $469 Cabernet! A real press release

I really got the press release below this morning, just an hour ago. I have changed nothing in it but the names: everything else is exactly what the release says, in its entirety. You'll note that it has no named winery, vineyards or winemaker. But it costs $469!


FORT LAUDERDALE, FL  - A brand new vintage Cabernet Sauvignon joins the ranks of the world's finest wines. Just launched in limited release at the end of 2014, Asswipe has already garnered rave reviews, including a Number 1 rating for Cabs in 2014 from (Non-wine product) & (another non-wine product) magazine.

Asswipe is distributed by Grilledcheese International in Ft Lauderdale, Florida. It's a rich and luxurious 2012 Cabernet Sauvignon from Mt. Veeder, a dry vineyard with an elevation of 1,900 feet in Napa Valley, California. Along with its Mt. Veeder pedigree, Asswipe has an equally impressive price tag. It retails for $469 a bottle and there were only 3,000 bottles produced for this first limited release.

"Asswipe is a spectacular wine that absolutely lives up to its cost," said Senator McCarthy of Asswipe Wines, "and there are several reasons for this. First, 2012 was a monumental vintage. The drought and stress on the berries produced a lower production of tiny and very intense grapes. Additionally, the elevation and dry-farming techniques produce even more concentrated flavors. Finally, our berries are always handpicked and scrutinized for perfection. The result is a luxurious wine any collector would be proud to have."

According to (I can't use a fake name here because you might think this person is someone I've heard of, but it isn't), the highly credentialed New York wine writer, restaurant wine consultant and certified sommelier, the 2012 Asswipe Cabernet Sauvignon lives up to its hype.

"It is the 'wine of the kings' descended from the dry vineyard at 1,900 feet on Mt. Veeder," said (the unknown writer). "It brings forth the true attributes of its namesake: divine angels to some and tempters to others, yet seductive and alluring to all. It has an intense ruby red color with youthful shades and bright highlights plus aromas of intense purple lilac, followed by scents of ripe, juicy fruit. It fills the mouth with fleshy plums and berried fruits, evolving to sweet licorice, caramel candy and cinnamon with hints of smoky flavors, coffee and a flint minerality that extends its long, charming finish."

The same exquisite care that went into creating Asswipe the wine is reflected in its stellar label design. In (religion withheld), the asswipes are angels to the gods. The label depicts a voluptuous masked female warrior in form-fitting black strapless dress and black boots, wielding a mighty sickle and hovering in mid air by massive outstretched wings.

Asswipe is available at (name and address of a wine shop). For more information, visit*

(*Editor's note: The real website in the press release doesn't work. But the press release is no joke: the wine exists, and it's already marked down -- to just $465!)

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KJKarl said...

Please, please PLEASE request a sample!

Unknown said...

I doubt about the wine itself, but "the highly credentialed NY wine writer's tasting notes" does have long, charming finish.

Mark Andrew Sinnott said...

Does one have to be an asswipe to buy it, like so much other asswipe-esque Napa 'killer juice'?

Unknown said...

This is amazing, thanks for sharing!

Jack Everitt said...

Wait until they here about Asswipe wine in China!

Anonymous said...

Another wine writer who informs about the colour, the smell and the aromas. There is nothing about the structure. What about tannins, alcohol and freshness?
In my humble opinion even if a wine has a nice colour and smells fantastically well it is made to be drunk.
What if the wine is weak, unbalanced or has no vice nor virtue?
No info about this.

Winegeek66 said...

Wow. Blake, I appreciate the fact that you anonymize the perpetrator but they need shaming. I have no doubt the market will show them the error of their ways but it is possible that it will take long enough that they won't get it. Therefore, this person needs to be told specifically how stupid this is.

Wineskillguy said...

I'm sure it's best served in a toilet bowl stem.

W. Blake Gray said...

Winegeek: I wouldn't go that far. It's arrogant. It's funny. But it's not evil. If somebody wants to spend $469 on a wine with no named winery, winemaker or vineyards, that's their choice.

The one big gaffe these people made was sending this press release to the wrong audience: writers like me. Thinking about that led me to get some thoughts off my chest about the Budweiser anti-craft beer ad (see Thursday's post).

But I noticed online that some "luxury" sites ran this same press release with no names changed, uncommented on. Maybe there's a consumer out there who would read it and think: "Wow, the label depicts a voluptuous masked female warrior in form-fitting black strapless dress and black boots, wielding a mighty sickle? Here's my Amex number!" That consumer and this wine deserve each other.

Winegeek66 said...

Indeed sir, you are correct. If they find an audience for their product then they deserve each other. In fact, unless I try the wine, I won't know if they are valid or not. I think their presentation is cheesy as hell but if the wine delivers, great. That being said, there are probably only 4 or 5 bottles in the world that I would consider worth $469 (ALL recognizable names and none of them feature a hairless raptor). Looking forward to reading Thursday's post.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you didn't get Seduced by the Wine press release

Warren said...

Request a sample - I'll bring my Coravin!

Bill D. said...

Asswipe, by American Standard?