You know you've become a popular blogger when ...

The following are paraphrased emails because I don't want to give the sending companies the publicity they sought.

Dear Mr. Gray:

We loved your blog post! May we run it on our site? Your writing will be exposed to a much wider audience!

(I said no and they ran it anyway -- without my name on it.)

Dear Mr. Gray:

We are introducing a new widget/book/booze. Respond to this email with requests for samples.
Me: Sure, send it over.
E-mailer: Who are you?

(I had this conversation three times already this year.)

Dear Mr. Gray:

Did you know that a credit card your readers already carry entitles them to discounts at tasting rooms, blah blah blah ...

(This company pays to advertise on everything from rock concert stage sets to stadium urinal walls, but they try to sweet-talk bloggers into giving them advertising for free. I asked them to buy an ad and got no response, then precisely the same pitch the following week.)

Dear Mr. Gray:

You are contributing to the scourge of alcoholism. There are many deaths to be laid at your feet.

(Can I walk over them like a river of logs?)

Dear Mr. Gray:

I am allergic to wine. Every time I drink it I get sick. What sort of wine should I try?

(From my long medical background, my informed opinion is, uh ... next question.)

Dear Mr. Gray:

Would you be interested in writing for our website? We won't be able to pay you, but you will have the opportunity for wider readership.

(I've had this email at least 10 times, always from websites that have a lot fewer comments than mine, for what that's worth.)

Dear Mr. Gray:

You recently wrote about a Chardonnay. We also make Chardonnay. It's matured in oak barrels for blah blah and we stir the lees with weasel tails blah blah and would you please tell your readers about this wine with a link to our website?

(Wineries -- this sounds much more sincere if you send the email within, say, a month of the post in question. I've gotten this email about posts I wrote six months ago.)

Dear Mr. Gray:

We have selected your blog as our Wine Blog of the Day! We are attaching the code for this badge, which you can place in every one of your posts to show that you have received this honor.

(The badge was a link taking readers to the site in question.)

Dear Mr. Gray:

Our restaurant in South Beach, Miami has introduced a new cocktail hour, with drinks half price for thirty minutes! Be sure to tell your readers!

(I should keep a running count on states from which I've gotten this one; it's up to about 30 by now.)

Dear Mr. Gray:

Would your readers like to learn about a new idea that's going to change their life?

(Maybe they would, but I wouldn't.)

The last one's verbatim:

Dear Mr. Gray:

Your responses to comments are so mean-spirited. Are you really such a jerk?
Me: No, I only play one on the Internet.