Monday, October 3, 2016

Donald Trump, sommelier

Welcome to the restaurant. It's a great restaurant, the best restaurant, and we have all the best wines here. All the best. This is a great wine list and I've gotten a lot of credit for it.

Who's going to order at this table? Is there a man you can reach by cell phone? No? Well, that's fine, that's why I'm here. I want you to be very happy. I'll get you the best wine, the finest wine. I drink the best wines all the time, and believe me, a lot of women really like my wines. Really like them.

I think you should start off with Champagne. We call it Champagne but it's really just wine with bubbles in it. A lot of people don't know this, but the best Champagnes, the very best, they're all from the USA. We have top people working on putting the bubbles into them, really top people. Some of our Champagnes have 20 or 30 times as many bubbles as that stuff from France. Maybe 40 times. I have real pride in American know-how. We're keeping these Champagne companies from going overseas. Keeping those Champagne jobs in Virginia. And we're going to bring more Champagne jobs to Ohio, to Michigan, to Florida. We are. We can put bubbles in wine in these states Barack Obama ruined. I've been to Michigan, and let me tell you, it's a smoking cesspit of dangerous criminals, but we're going to make it great again.

You don't want Champagne? Really? Are you sure you don't want to check with your husbands?

Or in your case, ma'am, I guess you should check with your father. No, no, you don't have to do that. I'm going to get you something special tonight, something really great, so maybe you have one night without worrying that no one's ever going to marry you. I don't think you're ugly. No, no. People have lots of different faces. But you really ought to do something about that body, maybe join a gym or something. You can meet men in a gym. I mean, not right away, not in your case, but maybe after you've been there a few months and you look better you can join another gym.

I'm sorry? None of my business? OK, fine, let me go get you that wine. What wine? You know, the really great wine I promised you. Really great.

Here it is, and it's really special. Blackberries explode from the glass like windows from the World Trade Center. I was there, you know, in New York. There were a lot of people who died in the World Trade Center, and that's all Hillary Clinton's fault, everyone knows that. Her husband was busy screwing some other woman, and she just totally dropped the ball on that, that World Trade Center. But it was an opportunity, a big opportunity, because some of these people who died had wine cellars and we could go around to them and get those wines at pennies on the dollar. Pennies on the dollar. That's just smart wine buying. But of course we had so much sympathy for the families, so much sympathy. I got a lot of credit for that. A lot of people said to me, you really have a lot of sympathy for these families. Yes. I did.

You what? You wanted a white wine? You wanted a white wine? You dumb broad, you don't know enough about wine to know what you want. You need me, or somebody like me, but there is nobody like me. Nobody can do the job like I do, nobody. I bring people wines all the time, and they say, well that's really the best wine. The best wine. Everybody says that. This wine I brought you, if you don't like it, well you don't have to drink it. It's a free country. Still. My feelings aren't hurt. I don't mind if you're too dumb to like this wine.

Take it off the bill? Oh, no, no, no, no. No. Wrong. No. You're going to pay for that wine. I promise you, you're going to pay for that wine. What did I say? I said you're going to pay for that wine, and when I say you're going to pay for that wine, you're going to pay for that wine.

You want to talk to the person in charge? Well first of all that's a stupid way to ask. What is it with these modern liberated women saying "person in charge?" It's obviously a man in charge. Back when America was better it was always a man in charge, and at this restaurant that's what we're trying to establish, to do things the right way. That's what we're doing. And I'm going to be that man in charge. Yes I am. And you're going to pay for that wine.

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Winey The Elder said...

Nicely done.

Unknown said...

Hey, Blake! I'm back! Living in TN and reading your blog again. Nice job on the Trumpisms.

Looking forward to your Hillary parody.


Unknown said...

You just made my day! Very enjoyable post.