Monday, September 9, 2019

Corporate hard seltzer strives to be cool: An actual press release

More than 90% of my e-mail is press releases. I get more than 10,000 per year. But I don't remember ever seeing the word "f***ing" (sic) in one until this gem that I received over the weekend.

It's hard for me to believe the iGeneration are such tremendous suckers that they won't see through this. That said, this release was sent by Anheuser-Busch InBev, the World's Largest Beverage Company, a company so enormous that it makes E. & J. Gallo Winery seem like a small family scratching out a living. Belgium-based multinational conglomerate Anheuser-Busch InBev didn't sell $54.6 billion worth of mostly flavorless beer last year by being bad at marketing.

The release worked on this level: I'm putting it nearly verbatim, on my blog, for free, which has to be a win for the people who wrote it. All I'm going to do is substitute Anheuser-Busch InBev, the company name, for the brand name of the product. The release also uses a cute nickname for the brand name so I'm going to try to replicate that. Anything I change is (in parentheses); the rest is verbatim. Enjoy, and let me know if this makes you thirsty for something sweet and corporate.

(Press release starts here, including the photo:)

BREAKING//(InBevy) Light just crashed the Catalina Wine Mixer

Hi there!

Just minutes ago, (Anheuser-Busch InBev) Light Seltzer crashed the f***ing Catalina Wine Mixer…landing a chopper smack dab on top of a yacht docked at the festival.

This was no joke. (InBevy) Seltzer hosted a yacht party at the Step Brothers-inspired event and had helicopters flying in and around Catalina Island. I mean…after all, one of our seltzers is the Catalina Lime Mixer.

And the person that landed that heli on the yacht? Comedian Trevor Wallace, who you might remember from that hard seltzer viral video from a brand too lame to name…

That brand sent him a cease & desist. (InBevy) Seltzer sent him a deal...and a f***ing helicopter.

Earlier this summer, (InBevy) Light got in on the seltzer game, launching two irresistible blends of fruit flavor with 6% ABV:

Catalina Lime Mixer – when black cherry and lime become best friends
Aloha Beaches – when mango and peach go beach mode

With the end of summer adventures and tailgating season at hand, these (InBevy) Seltzer cans are ready to fly off the shelves and we want you and your readers in on the action.

Please find attached and linked here for content of (InBevy) Seltzer crashing the Catalina Wine Mixer. Linked here is the official press release with more info on the seltzers.

Let me know if you are interested to cover or have any questions.

(Press release ends here)

I have questions!

What the hell is the Catalina Wine Mixer? It seems to be a party hosted by Anheuser-Busch InBev, created so that Anheuser-Busch InBev could, what, send a helicopter? Why stop there? After selling $54.6 billion worth of malt beverages last year, Anheuser-Busch InBev could hire a private army. Now THAT would get those wine snobs' attention -- wine snobs hired by Anheuser-Busch InBev -- if a team of hardened mercenaries threw some grenades to soften up the wine party, and then came in guns blazing, taking no prisoners. Instead they sent a comedian? Are you corporate beer people serious or not?

Oh, and since you're so countercultural cool and shit, what's up with "f***ing"? Was there an objection to spelling out the word from one of your Brussels-based Executive Vice Presidents of Marketing for the Mid-Central Region of North America and Associated Territories, New Copycat Products Division?

Let's say one of my readers is blind and is using a reading device to enjoy this post. How is "f***ing" pronounced?

So many questions, so little flavor.

Follow me on Twitter: @wblakegray and Instagram @wblakegray and like The Gray Report on Facebook.


Quench! Wines said...

The F*ckin Catalina Wine Mixer is from the movie Step Brothers; it spawned the song "Boats & Hoes".
Here's an article from 2015 about The Original Catalina Wine Mixer party:

S in Oakland said...

Blak3 *,
(* backward e intentional, you know, like to be a cool backwards cap wearing pooch, voice by Homer Simpson)

You are too cool to be played by corporate PR bro...just chill and hit delete. ;-)
- Wine Fan

W. Blake Gray said...

Thanks Quench. I looked up the movie online because they reference it, but I haven't seen it. It grossed $100 million, which isn't bad but isn't a huge hit. Is it that much of a cultural touchstone? I do not remember anyone referring to it before this press release.